The hunger games

After a long long long time of no dates, I finally agreed to go out on one. One-ish… a date-ish. Yay me! This guy is NOT my type, like at all! Mistake number 1. I had that ‘try something new’ conversation with myself and my mean sister had annoyed me so I needed to get out the house.

This guy is from The twitter thingy . We moved from twitter to WhatsApp (the place where conversations go to die). The banter sucked because at some point we literally spoke about the weather, no joke. I can talk non stop, so I figured all he needed to do is nod really…. that’s it. This guy had a unique date plan, hence I was intrigued. I’d talk and eat and drink, what’s the worst that could happen… I wish I never wondered because the universe took it as a dare!

He asked me if anybody had ever offered to get my car washed? I already imagined us drinking mimosas while our cars got washed, cute right? Well it would have been cute if it unfolded like that. Spoiler alert: It didn’t. So I respond :no, never. He said well let’s do that. I said ok! Date set!

In the morning, day of the date, he texts me saying it’s easier to meet up at his place and then head to the car wash…. I’m like ok cool I’m on my way. I get to his house and does this guy not WALK to my car?? He does. I unlock the car thinking I’ll get the “follow me to the car wash, I’m driving the Ranger Rover… G63… or Lambo” speech. Does this guy and his backpack not get into my car?? He does. Neon Red Fucking Flashing Flag!!!!!!! Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. It was at this point where I should have said: Get out and goodbye. Speed off and block him. But not me…. I asked if he’s not washing his car and he said he….. wait for it…. doesn’t have a car!! I hid my shock under a laugh and a cough. I asked him where his mask was and he said it’s in his pocket. Honestly, such people annoy my life. Then I rolled the car a bit and he offered to drive. I wish I was kidding. No sir, you are not driving my car.

He has a long soliloquy about which car wash to go to and all I think about is how does he know all the different ones when he doesn’t have a damn car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not a motorbike, not a bicycle, hell I’d accept a damn skateboard!!!!!!!!! Anway, he finally directs me to one, in a very sketchy area and I start thinking worst case scenario. I imagine getting conveniently hijacked. Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. Think I drove home? No I didn’t. As they wash my car, we walk in the street!!!! with out iphones in hand, in a poor looking community where a random man begged me for food or change. I didn’t have either!! We walk to where he remembered they sell food and drinks, we find them cleaning the place, saying they aren’t open. We walk back to the car….. We sit there. JUST. SIT. THERE. In the sun but it’s cold. Talking about how trusting I am, LMMO! Finally the car is done and I think I could have done a better job myself!!!! Anyway let me be grateful. He says ‘let’s grab one or two drinks” I say sure, this is like 12 midday so drinking can start I guess… Haven’t had breakfast, please note.

We go to this very beautiful place, loved the vibe. Except when we walked in he grabbed the couch side (if you HATE the girl and definitely don’t want to score points, take the couch side) and I’m left to sit on the chair side of the table, COLD! Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. He has a beautiful view of me and the restaurant and I have to stare at his stained crooked teeth. I was wondering if I’d ever be drunk enough to kiss him because sober me definitely wouldn’t. He has a drink and I have one. I’m telling him disastrous dates I’ve been on where men split the bill or just left me to pay. He’s laughing, it’s good. He has another drink, I have another drink. He’s talking about how much of a clown he is when he’s in love and that he loves to spend and some random story about his exes, I half listened because the alcohol is going straight to my head and knees since my stomach is empty! I look at the breakfast menu and he orders his third drink and the bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m tipsy but too sober to kiss him shame,LMMO! Obviously I’m dropping him off and going home right? Wrong. Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. I go to his place and he wants to extend the date and I secretly hope he’ll redeem himself. And fucking FEEEEEEED me! But I only gave him more and more chances to disappoint me. As we go in, I expect him to live large, especially if he doesn’t drive, and especially because he lives in Sandton, the epicenter of wealth in South Africa! He doesn’t live large and he has a housemate. I’m totally judging him. He offers me red wine, moving from ciders to wine, obviously a bad idea so why not. Some hubbly? yeah sure I say. This man hasn’t even offered me a crumb or a single peanut and we have been together for 5 hours at this point!!

He goes to the balcony, and sees he’s out of coal and flavour. Why did he offer??? We end up driving to get the stuff. feel free to call me an idiot at this point, if you didn’t do that 7 paragraphs ago…. When we get back, there’s a woman cooking in the kitchen! LMMO! I go home now right? Wrong again my friends. Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. We move from red to chardonnay, he had half a bottle of red that’s now finished. Stupid move, Since I’m in the mood for stupid choices, why not…? We drink and smoke on empty stomachs and the mystery girl asks me if I’m allergic to shellfish. I really really wish I could make this up. She is the housemates girlfriend. She’s so at home, I wouldn’t be surprised she lived there. Waiting for the food to get ready is surely another hour and I’m very drunk at this point. I tell him I’m out and he doesn’t even say ‘but you haven’t eaten’ or ‘are you sure you can drive in your state?” you know, the things we say when we care or at least pretend to care!!!

He hugs me so wildly, picks me up even but I feel nothing!!!!!! I decide that I’ll never see him again, and I drive home

On my way home, I call my male bestie and tell him how it all went and he agrees that I wasted my time. He says ALL men know that women just want to be fed! He says it’s general knowledge. SO….

I text him the usual “got home safely ” and he says he was worried because I looked shaky………….. I responded “drinking on an empty stomach is not a good idea” He pretended to be surprised that we didn’t eat and said ‘but my housemate’s girl is cooking” I didn’t respond.

Ate all the food in my house, drank water and went to bed!!!!!!!!

I woke up feeling bad, mostly still drunk but a bit bad ( don”t ask me why) and send him a voicenote saying thanks for yesterday.

This guy only offered me a car wash, so expecting more was an error on my part.

Lesson relearned, men offer what they can afford. Most NB, they STICK to what they offered and nothing more.

NEXT! no, no, no next. I need to heal. I’ve decided I’m ghosting him rather than blocking him…

I can’t believe I glued my wig for this guy… At least I didn’t put on the painstakingly-administrative-but-oh-so-beautiful-looking-lashes …

Honestly, what the fuck has this world come to? Men want independent girls so that they can borrow money from them and drive their cars!

Round 1 Day 7 TwoPointOh!

It was such a disastrous week food wise. I couldn’t work out, well I technically could but I didn’t. I used the period excuse. I really tried to make good food choices but had a brownie for breakfast. I’m sorry. This week we try again….

Day 1: 66kg
Day 7: 64.6kg

Despite my horrendous food choices, I miraculously managed a loss. It might be all because of period week . LOL!

I have to see 63 point anything kg but next week.

Just to compare mindset of last round, check Round 1 Day 7!

The end

Round 1 Day 1 TwoPointOH!

Oh how wonderful it was to live in a delusional bubble that I had only gained 2kg! I got on the scale this morning and my Monday went straight in the bin! Before I had spoken to anyone, my Monday already turned blue.

As much as I’d love to procrastinate this, I really can’t. I gained a shocking number. I planned to get my shit in order for a bit now….. So I binged this weekend. The booze, the magical fries, the deep fried chicken… It was all like fairies moonwalking on my tongue! I have no regrets.

I know this journey is exactly that, a journey, a boring journey of no greasy food and calorie loaded cocktails. It’s like driving in circles! lifestyle, it’s a boring lifestyle, so excuse me for taking time out once in a while.

I’m going to link posts round for round to compare the despair. You’d think the second time round should be easier because It’s not my first rodeo but I feel like I went to a whole new rodeo all together. A rodeo on a mountain. A mountain that has volcano. A volcano that’s erupting!

Please check here Round 3 Day 21!!🛎🛎 to see where we left off, 3 months ago…..

Round 1 day 1 2.0
66.0 kg!!!! I thought I gained 2 but noooooo, I gained a whopping 4kg!!!!!!! Fuck!

Anyway, enough sulking! Sucking it up is better than sucking it in!

Lets GO!

It all started here… Round 1 Day 1!

270 degrees!

That’s it! Come Monday the 14th of June, I’m getting back to my rounds of good food choices. I need to get back to the serious intermittent fasts, the work outs. I’ve been skipping gym and now I’m 2kgs up! I’ve been having a little extra bite here and there, extra glass of booze here and there, drive thru here and there and it’s all adding up. Mentally I’m in a bit of a slump, feeling defeated and discouraged and just feeling meh in general and obviously it has filtered and seeped into the physical side. Here comes a lesson you didn’t ask for but getting anyway: Starting point is 0 degree, a complete turn ( the other side, the opposite side) is 180 degrees, if you hit 360 degrees, then you actually are back where you started. Simple. People don’t get this, they like to say ‘wow you’ve done a complete 360 change in your life’ bitch that means I’m in the same spot.. LMMO! Anyway!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I’m on 270 degrees…

I think focusing on my diet was a great distraction that came with great results. I looked good, still sort of do, most importantly, I felt great. I did…for a short while.

I’m going back! 3 rounds of 21 day cycles! It already sounds daunting. Things are different worse now because we are in winter, who wants to run the snow at 5am…? LMMO, def not me. Ok I hate running in general! And we don’t get snow here but still, it’s freezing. It’s harder now when all you want is bread and stew…. And I’m off the pill so my hormones are cray cray… And I lack motivation… AND…. well, you get the point. What point? I don’t know. See? Crazy!

I’m going to do it. I need to do it. I promised God if he made me skinny again I’d never take it for granted. Besides, I do not have the money to buy new clothes. AGAIN!!

I’ll need to read up on old posts, ag, I can’t believe I have to climb this mountain again, ag!

I’ll do a side by side comparison with the last cycle every week, to see.. uhmmm, to see something. I don’t know what.

I’ve taken 10 steps forward and one step back. I’m pulling my pants up now, well technically from Modany, before I somehow end up with 50 steps back!

I need luck, I’m dropping the alcohol too… not strictly as in round 1, 2 or 3 but yeah…. I’d need to be on a date with a fucking hot guy whos paying for the meal ( even after I suggest a split- yeah never doing that again) for me to drink alcohol. What are the odds? very very slim to none!

South Africa, the reality

I live in a country that is probably number 1 on the list of corruption. I don’t want to google it because confirmation will just hurt. South Africa is a poor country with rich officials. Who hate’s the corruption? Everyone…. who isn’t a part of it. Our health minister is currently on ‘special leave’ (exposed for stealing funds meant for fucking Covid ) so he can loot more money away from our prying eyes. He said he will bring it back! Seriously, he said that. LMMO!

The minister of health is put on special leave by the president MID PANDEMIC as a punishment, instead of jail!


Then there’s national news that a woman gave birth to 10 babies babies. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it’s a distraction from the flames because it’s trending but apparently they can’t be found. This is not some IVF gone on overdrive, its “natural”. I stopped following the story when they said her Dr only saw 8 and that the other 2 were a surprize because they were in the tubes! LMMO! In the tubes and went full term?????? LMMO I wish I made it all up!

When we are digesting that, we are hit with load shedding? Do you know what that is, if you don’t know you are lucky and please adopt me. It’s power cuts, scheduled power cuts! We are in the middle of winter but for 2 hours a day, sometimes more, we have no electricity! The pits I tell you! Unless you live close to a hospital or jail ( criminals live a soft life) or shagging someone at the power utility, you are safe.

Every day it gets worse and worse!

Cock blocked!

On any random day I’ll admit I’m a bit shallow, when it comes to boys and dating and all that. I want a hot looking guy! We all know that the hotter he is, the dumber he is, men in general are dumb so extra dumbness is just excruciating to converse with. Anyway, I sure love the hot ones.

I’ve dated a few hot ones, and ugly ones because I’m a fair person, I’m kidding, the ugly ones were actual sweethearts and if you get to know someone for 5 minutes before getting in their pants, their physical appearance goes on the backburner.

I have a cute guy in my DMs ( twitter inbox), potentially cute, he doesn’t post selfies and thirst traps, bonus! I’m judging from his profile pic and the twitter ones are never ever clear! We chat now and them but nothing in depth, I think he’s studinging my page to ‘investigate me’ well darling, I have 3 pictures of myself in 10 years of using Twitter. I upload and delete often. I use twitter to laugh mostly because I don’t have money for therapy. Anyway, the cute guy… I think he has potential for me to like him when I see him so he must fucking man up. I think he’s avoiding becoming the ‘guy in the DMs’, cute, but hurry! You are already in there, just ask for my numbers. I understand the slowness as girls often expose the worms in their DMs by posting screenshots. HA! The world is tough on those you do not like!

Ok, to sum up, there’s a hottie in my pants, no, my DMs.

This post is not about him thought, I just want you to know he’s there because I know ( hope) something will bloom there. This post is about this other guy in my DMs, he’s not super hot though, actually he’s ugly. Yes, I called another human ugly, sue me. No please don’t, I don’t have money, lets say physically I can’t behold his ‘beauty’ well he’s tall at least. He commented about something and landed in the DM, it’s slippery on those streets. I launched an investigation on him, actually I just looked through his page and he is…. wait for it…. the manager of this duo that I’m OBSESSED with. ok that’s a lie, I just have a humongous crush on one of the guys in the duo that he managers. OBVIOUSLY I’m going to sleep with his homie!!!!!! This is how you really know the universe doesn’t like you. You get liked by the ugly friend who ends up blocking you from the actual crush because ‘Bros over hoes’! It’s tricky because he’ll only bring me around his crew if we establish something, and that will be an automatic cock block to ‘my guy’.

Just my luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe he’s nice…? NO!!! I want his friend who is apparently a whore, he’s part of a DJing duo, he doesn’t have a choice, I want the one who’s posting half naked pictures on twitter and liking every bad bitch posts…. Him!


Unblocked an ex

Last night I was chatting with my cousin, about boys obviously. She is in a relationship for 14 years and they have 2 kids together. The guy cheated on her with her cousin… long story. She’s now cheating on him with a guy she went to highschool with. Complex interSEXion am I right? Anyway, I live vicariously through her because her sex life is bomb and I have no sex life. My toy boy promised he’d come and then he didn’t. First he said his baby was sick, then he said he had to help his dad fix the car… Are you confused yet? Me too. He is the one who said he’s tired of disappointing me and yet he keeps on making empty promises, unprovoked! It doesn’t bother me because I’m not in love with him but maybe he wants to be blocked…? I don’t know

As my cousin was going on and on about how she’s starting to love the highschool guy, he’s married by the way, aaaand his son walked in on my cousin on his dad’s bed chilling like a nandos chicken….. I did say it’s all so complex. Anyway we were talking about great sex and this reminded me of my exes. Both blocked. I started missing them, one was a great kisser oh my gosh!!!!! He’s married to the girl he was cheating his ex with, the other girl who completed our, uhmmm, square. There was him, the ex and the 2 of us. I jumped ship fast. Well, it lingered on a bit because the kisses were fucking amazing and he kept buying me nice things! Oh to be young and in lust! Anyway, he was a really great kisser. I blocked him after he asked me for huge sums of money, one, I don’t have that kind of money. Two, you do have a spouse for such right? and three, fuck off.

The other ex I reminisced on was the great fucker! Fuck the dick was good. I blocked him because cops and guns got involved so ya, bye!!!! One day we had sex on the stairs, not the stairs inside the house. I was drunk ok!!! I woke up with the leggings I had on the night before but when I went to pee, I had only one leg in my undies! LMMO!!

So because I’m currently in a serious dry spell I decided to unblock the one with the lesser evil. HA! I really wanted the great fucker to win but he really has so much drama, I can’t open all that up. So great kisser it was! I can have any of my exes back at any point that I want, that’s my toxic trait. I’m not sure if its fitting to call it a toxic trait, I just felt like calling it that so ya, it’s my toxic trait! LMMO! Seriously, I really can, I’ve indulged on these benefits once or twice but it’s not fair on their partners so I’ve stopped! Had stopped. No I’ve stopped, present tense.

I told my cousin all this and she said ‘o jisa team’ which means I’m making the team ( all the girls in the world) lose! i don’t want that!!!! She says we never go back to exes. I couldn’t hit the block button again fast enough.

Oh universe, give me some magical kisses. Give me some good dick. Good D would be really nice!

Photo by Prateek Katyal on

Adulting: Highly wouldn’t recommend!

I understand why Jesus decided to check out at 32!

I’m 33 and man, I think being crucified is better than adulting any further!

Jesus had GOD!!!! He had the ultimate ‘I’m calling my Father’ card, He had the ‘Do you know who my Father is?’ card He had unlimited wine!!!!!!!!!!! and yet He decided, nope!

The end.

Photo by Alem Su00e1nchez on

The tiny spark that’s left

Since I’m looking all hot and I’ve lost the weight, people think I actually know the secret to weight loss. The secret is that there really is no shortcut. You must be willing to do what you’ve never done before. For me, I dropped the sugar and alcohol and hit the road. I hated every step of those runs but I did it dammit! To be honest, the holy grail was intermittent fasting. I lost 8kg in 3 months. Slow and steady! The last 2 kg are turning out to be super stubborn, or maybe I’m the stubborn one. I lost weight and picked up food anxiety. Is that a thing? It totally is for me. I panic about what I’ll eat, it doesn’t stop me from eating nasty shit though, it just gets me in a panic followed by guilt. Some days I’m guilt free even after eating 4 chocolate bars. I bought 5 and only gave one to my sister. Gosh I’m a pig but this is after I discovered she did something similar…. Silly sibling thing, even in old age we bicker over such! Now that I’m an adult and we do not need a ruler to measure the chocolate, I just give her what I want. Ha!! I think I’ll be the type of mom who eats chocolate hidden behind lettuce, right in front of my kids! LMMO! My sister is actually skinny and can afford this nonsense so I shouldn’t really be comparing!Then on some days I feel sick that I had a second glass of juice. Anyway, I have small panic attacks if I can’t meal prep for the week ahead. By meal prep I mean just thinking about it! I stick to what I decide usually but if I leave it to ‘the flow’ then it gives me anxiety. The cravings are mightier, luckily I can’t afford the food I want so that’s how I usually survive. SOMETIMES! Sometimes I buy food on credit, what kind of animal does that? This animal. It’s self care, never mind how far payday is. Maybe I must go on dates for food…?Seems like a good plan.

When will food stop haunting me. Surely this is not a healthy balance on things. Luckily I’m at a place where I can ‘work if off’ I can afford to skip a gym session once or twice a week but we know those kg are lost but that doesn’t mean they can’t be found. The longer they are gone, the harder for then to find their way home, hell they will find a new address but not on this bod!

I need to focus, I’m celebrating a bit too much…. Ok, remember how I’d have KFC before gym in Jan, LMMO! it was a curse but I got over it by going through it.

Weight loss is the only thing I have that’s keeping me from losing my mind. I’m trying to stay out of this dark place that I’m so familiar with. Notice I said familiar and not scared…. It’s easy to just let it consume me and right now I’m on the very verge.

Photo by Alex Azabache on