After a long long long time of no dates, I finally agreed to go out on one. One-ish… a date-ish. Yay me! This guy is NOT my type, like at all! Mistake number 1. I had that ‘try something new’ conversation with myself and my mean sister had annoyed me so I needed to get out the house.
This guy is from The twitter thingy . We moved from twitter to WhatsApp (the place where conversations go to die). The banter sucked because at some point we literally spoke about the weather, no joke. I can talk non stop, so I figured all he needed to do is nod really…. that’s it. This guy had a unique date plan, hence I was intrigued. I’d talk and eat and drink, what’s the worst that could happen… I wish I never wondered because the universe took it as a dare!
He asked me if anybody had ever offered to get my car washed? I already imagined us drinking mimosas while our cars got washed, cute right? Well it would have been cute if it unfolded like that. Spoiler alert: It didn’t. So I respond :no, never. He said well let’s do that. I said ok! Date set!
In the morning, day of the date, he texts me saying it’s easier to meet up at his place and then head to the car wash…. I’m like ok cool I’m on my way. I get to his house and does this guy not WALK to my car?? He does. I unlock the car thinking I’ll get the “follow me to the car wash, I’m driving the Ranger Rover… G63… or Lambo” speech. Does this guy and his backpack not get into my car?? He does. Neon Red Fucking Flashing Flag!!!!!!! Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. It was at this point where I should have said: Get out and goodbye. Speed off and block him. But not me…. I asked if he’s not washing his car and he said he….. wait for it…. doesn’t have a car!! I hid my shock under a laugh and a cough. I asked him where his mask was and he said it’s in his pocket. Honestly, such people annoy my life. Then I rolled the car a bit and he offered to drive. I wish I was kidding. No sir, you are not driving my car.
He has a long soliloquy about which car wash to go to and all I think about is how does he know all the different ones when he doesn’t have a damn car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not a motorbike, not a bicycle, hell I’d accept a damn skateboard!!!!!!!!! Anway, he finally directs me to one, in a very sketchy area and I start thinking worst case scenario. I imagine getting conveniently hijacked. Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. Think I drove home? No I didn’t. As they wash my car, we walk in the street!!!! with out iphones in hand, in a poor looking community where a random man begged me for food or change. I didn’t have either!! We walk to where he remembered they sell food and drinks, we find them cleaning the place, saying they aren’t open. We walk back to the car….. We sit there. JUST. SIT. THERE. In the sun but it’s cold. Talking about how trusting I am, LMMO! Finally the car is done and I think I could have done a better job myself!!!! Anyway let me be grateful. He says ‘let’s grab one or two drinks” I say sure, this is like 12 midday so drinking can start I guess… Haven’t had breakfast, please note.
We go to this very beautiful place, loved the vibe. Except when we walked in he grabbed the couch side (if you HATE the girl and definitely don’t want to score points, take the couch side) and I’m left to sit on the chair side of the table, COLD! Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. He has a beautiful view of me and the restaurant and I have to stare at his stained crooked teeth. I was wondering if I’d ever be drunk enough to kiss him because sober me definitely wouldn’t. He has a drink and I have one. I’m telling him disastrous dates I’ve been on where men split the bill or just left me to pay. He’s laughing, it’s good. He has another drink, I have another drink. He’s talking about how much of a clown he is when he’s in love and that he loves to spend and some random story about his exes, I half listened because the alcohol is going straight to my head and knees since my stomach is empty! I look at the breakfast menu and he orders his third drink and the bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m tipsy but too sober to kiss him shame,LMMO! Obviously I’m dropping him off and going home right? Wrong. Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. I go to his place and he wants to extend the date and I secretly hope he’ll redeem himself. And fucking FEEEEEEED me! But I only gave him more and more chances to disappoint me. As we go in, I expect him to live large, especially if he doesn’t drive, and especially because he lives in Sandton, the epicenter of wealth in South Africa! He doesn’t live large and he has a housemate. I’m totally judging him. He offers me red wine, moving from ciders to wine, obviously a bad idea so why not. Some hubbly? yeah sure I say. This man hasn’t even offered me a crumb or a single peanut and we have been together for 5 hours at this point!!
He goes to the balcony, and sees he’s out of coal and flavour. Why did he offer??? We end up driving to get the stuff. feel free to call me an idiot at this point, if you didn’t do that 7 paragraphs ago…. When we get back, there’s a woman cooking in the kitchen! LMMO! I go home now right? Wrong again my friends. Opportunity to run, but no, oh no, not this queen. We move from red to chardonnay, he had half a bottle of red that’s now finished. Stupid move, Since I’m in the mood for stupid choices, why not…? We drink and smoke on empty stomachs and the mystery girl asks me if I’m allergic to shellfish. I really really wish I could make this up. She is the housemates girlfriend. She’s so at home, I wouldn’t be surprised she lived there. Waiting for the food to get ready is surely another hour and I’m very drunk at this point. I tell him I’m out and he doesn’t even say ‘but you haven’t eaten’ or ‘are you sure you can drive in your state?” you know, the things we say when we care or at least pretend to care!!!
He hugs me so wildly, picks me up even but I feel nothing!!!!!! I decide that I’ll never see him again, and I drive home
On my way home, I call my male bestie and tell him how it all went and he agrees that I wasted my time. He says ALL men know that women just want to be fed! He says it’s general knowledge. SO….
I text him the usual “got home safely ” and he says he was worried because I looked shaky………….. I responded “drinking on an empty stomach is not a good idea” He pretended to be surprised that we didn’t eat and said ‘but my housemate’s girl is cooking” I didn’t respond.
Ate all the food in my house, drank water and went to bed!!!!!!!!
I woke up feeling bad, mostly still drunk but a bit bad ( don”t ask me why) and send him a voicenote saying thanks for yesterday.
This guy only offered me a car wash, so expecting more was an error on my part.
Lesson relearned, men offer what they can afford. Most NB, they STICK to what they offered and nothing more.
NEXT! no, no, no next. I need to heal. I’ve decided I’m ghosting him rather than blocking him…
I can’t believe I glued my wig for this guy… At least I didn’t put on the painstakingly-administrative-but-oh-so-beautiful-looking-lashes …
Honestly, what the fuck has this world come to? Men want independent girls so that they can borrow money from them and drive their cars!