My heart is for breaking

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I’ve been chatting with a guy I’ve given way too many chances to, for about a month now… Well actually, we met via tinder and had a one night stand (turned out to be) a year ago. I was so in love with the idea of this guy, he was perfect (best of the trash) on paper but he ghosted me.

When he texted me, a fucking year later, I was thrilled…. gosh my life is sad.

Anyway…

On Friday he suggested we hang out and asked when I’m free, I said all weekend ( yeah I also smell the desperation). He said he’s busy Saturday and we should hang Sunday. Well Sunday rolled over and I woke up to his drunk texts, literally saying he is drunk and an hour later asking if I was still awake at fucking 1am! Anyway, I said good morning like the fucking loser I am and asked him what he drank blah blah blah, he said he doesn’t drink that much anymore and he got knocked out by 4 coronas, this information is vital for this story. FOUR CORONAS! This was around 9 am and note he was up! We had never finalised what meeting up meant, we had just agreed to ‘catch up/ meet up Sunday late”. I look at the time ticking and tocking away then 5pm comes through and he isn’t saying a damn word. Initially I wanted to ask him ‘ wtf?’ but decided he must man up and if he conveniently forgets then I’d call him out on it.

I can’t believe I spent my day waiting for this guy… Well it’s nothing new when it comes to him but it definitely was the last time.

Around 6pm he texts ‘can I ask you a weird question?’ My response was “Shouldn’t we be hanging out babe? but anyway, go ahead and ask” I cringed retyping this, don’t worry. I FUCKING CALLED HIM BABE!!! He went on a whole tangent about anal and exs and just some weird conversation. He said he was hungover STILL. FOUR CORONAS OVER 12 HOURS AGO.
Yeah this guy is not into me. He’s not trying to charm me. He’s not trying to even woo me. He just doesn’t like me. In case I didn’t really grasp it at this point, he sent me the ‘I need to tell you something and I hope it doesn’t change things between us’ text.

I took a gulp of my wine and waited for the punch in the gut to come.
“I’m kind of seeing someone but also feel like I’m kind of seeing you too”
Then I blueticked him because wooooow….. The punch knocked my air out.

I don’t usually care if a guy I like has a partner, I know its a horrible thing to say but usually that’s when I’m there for a ‘nice time not a long time’. but this particular guy, I won’t accept because I wanted something meaningful and long term and monogamous.

‘Dont bluetick, I’m being honest’

Then I loled, even though I didn’t find anything funny, ‘We arent seeing each other, we are working towards a friendship here, besides, I’m in a talking stage with someone’ – I said, trying to be fine with all this.

‘But I want you’- he lied…

My heart is for pumping blood I guess.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I do! Well maybe I did. Now I don’t!

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?

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Yesterday was my uncle’s funeral. It was the coldest and saddest day of the year for me. No, it wasn’t Covid-19. He was sick for a long time and not once, while he was in hospital did his wife visit him. Their marriage was the strangest thing to witness. At the funeral, my aunt, his sister was fighting with the wife for the body. Then I met new cousins, my uncle’s other children at the funeral. My uncle was a rolling stone and had multiple kids with other women while they were together. He apparently belonged to the streets hence his wife didn’t want his corpse in her house.
It was just sad to witness. She was more relieved than bereaved, I guess she was a scorned women. My question is ‘why did she stay??‘

My aunt, his sister, is married for almost 25 years and I’ve never met her husband. He NEVER attends family occasions, not even his wife’s brother’s funeral??? I had to hold her up, which I didn’t mind but I couldn’t help but wonder where her husband was. Her marriage has beeeeen bad, bitches calling her in the AMs, my aunt is almost 60! If my husband missed my sibling’s funeral, that would be grounds to divorce. But my aunt is still with this guy who gives her zero support. Not emotionally, not financially, ZERO. My question is ‘why why is she still with him??‘

A grown cousin of mine is in a horrible relationship. She’s known for fetching her husband from different woman and yelling how she’s the wife. She has 2 kids who complain to their grandma how embarrassing it is in school because of the mother’s ghetto actions. This guy does not work, does not cook, clean, he does not even drive but my cousin is looking like a looney in the streets. My question is ‘why why why is she still with him??‘

I want to be in a fulfilling, loving, supportive, exciting relationship but I’m not willing to trade my sanity for it. I’d rather be alone than unhappy.

If this is the ‘marriage is tough’ thing that they always preach about then I’m out, deuces. I’m not going to marry an onion that’s always making me cry. I refuse to lower my self worth and beg for attention.

What could possibly be the reason someone accepts the bare minimum, or in my family’s case, ZERO effort and pure rejection….? Why would any normal human being accept rubbish treatment from your partner?

Not me

Naw

*politely leaves room. *screams in the bathroom.

so very over it.

all

all of it.

I’m over all of it.

Maybe I made a wish

Less than a week ago I finally blogged about a fuckboi that broke my heart 💔, hahaha, it’s funny because I don’t have a heart, anyway… Boom! he messaged me guys, AFTER A WHOLE YEAR, it’s like I summoned him or something. Maybe I’m a chakra hun?? I’m sleeping on myself here
When I talk about wealth and a new job, I get rejection emails🥺. I digress

It was nice to hear from him and actually hear he missed me, he could be bored and on a dry spell because of lockdown but whatever, I do miss him.

We met at the wrong time I must admit, I was grieving the loss of my mother and he was grieving the loss of his then girlfriend and mother of his baby. Honestly we couldn’t hear each other, let alone be strong for one another. It was a battle of the bereaved. Looking back I think we were both so freshly wounded and needed TLC but neither could give the other.

He ghosted and then came back with an explationton of how he got scared that things moved super fast, I ‘m so conditioned to believe it’s all bullshit but I was also scared. I blocked him and went on with my life, almost exactly to the day we met a year ago, we opened the channel to communicate. I blocked and unblocked him so many times and wondered why I cared so much.

When he texted me this passed weekend I swear it was like a genie 🧞‍♂️ popped out of a wine bottle I was rubbing. I got excited and then stole my own joy (I’m a profession self-joy thief) by saying ‘people do not change girl’ but people Do change because people heal.

Maybe I should keep this in my drafts to see how the cookie crumbles but I hope things work out between us. oh, because of this little crumb, I pumped the brakes on the new frog… he started blowing my phone, honestly I don’t know what I’m doing….

The pandemic isn’t over just because we are over it!

I’m so over this crap.

I miss my old normal and I dread the new normal.

I miss gym but I wonder if I’ll ever go back to gym and ever feel comfortable.

I miss going out to drink and eat but I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable.

I miss going to get my nails and hair and wax done at the salon but I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable.

I miss kissing random strangers on a drunk night out with the girls but I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable.

I’m so over all this crap.

I feel sorry for the world and wonder how much longer this shit will go on for. A while I know, because even after it is ‘gone’ it will linger in the air like a fart for a while, shit man.

New frog update!

We kissed, it was good.
I’m not sure if it was good because the last kiss I had was about 5 decades ago, ok 5 months haha, or if it was actually good.
I’m a kissaholic so it could also be that you know? Like a fix!
I walked away with a love bite, I’m too old for this shit. Stop it I like it.

I had to have a turtleneck the next day, 🤣🤣🤣

I touched his penis, it was impressive.
I’m not sure if it was impressive because the last penis I touched was very tiny, or if it really is impressive. The length, the thickness, the hardness, my gosh I’m getting goosebumps thinking about it. I can only imagine the girth.
I don’t know why I put my hand down his pants, next thing he pulled it out like a firefighter wrestling the hose down.

I stopped myself from going down on him. 😩😩

It looked something like this, except I was on top and fully dressed in pants.

What the fuck am I doing? I’m almost 33!!
The thoughts make me cringe now. I bet if I had had wine ( thanks a lot Mr president for banning alcohol!!) I would have gotten naked fast.

I’m enjoying this, I’m not gonna lie BUUUUUT, I won’t let our first time be car sex… I hope. I’m so weak!

Why I’m single, I don’t know why

Honestly, why am I single?
I don’t take bullshit at all, but is that the reason? EVERYONE in a relationship takes shit?
I have mental issues like the majority of the world, nothing extreme just mild random self diagnosed depression but no one has had the pleasure to even notice it.
Yes I quit dating apps because honestly, who has had success there?

I honestly don’t know why I’m single.

I’m beautiful, kind, funny, sexy, successful, good in bed ( I have references haha) … seriously, anyone would be lucky to have me.

Vulnerability

Ultimately, I want to be vulnerable and trust someone else with all of me. It will just take someone with patience, an understanding of the pain …

Vulnerability

New frog alert!

So, I’ve started jogging.
I hate it with every fibre of my being but I don’t have a choice. The gyms are closed and getting fat is NOT an option.

Ok, so I have a thing for bad boys and guys who I constantly have to reel in back onto confidence field instead of arrogance. Sad I know..
So I was shaking my sexy ass on a jog last week and a guy in a yellow car, unfortunately not a Lamborghini, sped by. He attended to a group of men busy with his other car ( I found out later) . I jog around the complex because I’m scared of being kidnapped, robbed and or raped, welcome to South Africa where women’s lives count for next to nothing, I digress…
So I’m checking all this activity with every round I make, little did I know he was checking me out too.

The silver lining in all this torture of jogging is all the attention I’m getting. Lockdown has locked it down theeere remember? Every afternoon when I go on a jog, it’s like swiping on tinder. I swipe with my eyes, left, most of the time but guys, I have a match!

yay!

Round 5 … Hmm he has a nice body
Round 6 … I wonder if he’s married
Round 7… I can totally see him pressing me hard against a wall and..
Round 8 … I hope at some point we talk , hell as friends, FWB??
Round 9 … I’m doing one last round, if he doesn’t stop me. It’s over

I really don’t understand men hey, they should know that if I like their tweet or pic, that means marry me. It’s 2020 and they still don’t know how to read our minds. They Still can’t figure out the non communicative signs. Disgusting!

anyway

Round 10… Bingo!
I think they were changing his tyres or checking rims or whatever so now he needs to test drive, or check me out further, either way, he’s coming.

Plan: do nothing strange, act normal…

Me:

Im kidding, I slowed my jog to a walk.

Modern day romance occured…
Guy greets girl, girl removes headsets and smiles.
Guy compliments girl, girl smiles more and draws map on the ground with her foot… They live happily ever after.

The end!

Kidding, this guy just said he’d like to join ( like all the other losers who used this line thinking its unique) and I said ‘sure’
Meet and greet complete. End of day one.

Day two
He drives back into the complex and spots me on my run, I feel the hairs on my back rise and moisture build up down there, it could seriously just be the sweat from running but humour me…
He literally jumps out the car while it’s still running and I just laugh and continue, half way I decide to stop my lazy run and hear him out because he’s actually my type and the last time I was with ‘My type’ was….

I can’t even remember!

We walk around the complex, masked up of cause, we are in the middle of a pandemic so we aren’t being complete morons. We bump into each other and laugh and it’s all so sweet. He asks for my numbers but realises he can’t take them because his phone is off. I take his and text him my name. Later that night we chat more sweet nothings.

Next morning, Saturday, nothing. Sunday, dololo! nix!

Monday I decide to text because screw my pride, my lady parts think I’m dead. He actually responds quickly and says his weekend was horrible because he couldn’t find my numbers. I also don’t know what that means but whatever….

Today is friday and we have been getting to know each other all week, I don’t know why though because I’m planning on ghosting ( I have issues I know). Last night I texted him “I thought we would have kissed by now” and he relied, “I thought we would be expecting by now” haha I found it funny last night. It got kinky but nothing explicit. The whole week we had a back and forth about meeting, and I must admit that I tend to love the thrill of the chase a bit more, I do tend to be the one to run when it’s time to put my actions where my texts are so yes, I delayed it via tactics which he called me out on. But tonight, dear readers….

A kiss at midnight under the stars shall occur… Ok that’s melodramatic but I’m kissing this frog tonight!

fuck boy 1-0 Me

I think I’m ready to put this down on paper… keypad, whatever.

I tried to scroll back and see if I had posted about this idiot or not but I can’t find it. I change their names and that just confuses me. Note to self, post their real names, if they find this blog, plead insanity. Another reason I probably didn’t post is because I was so traumatised. Only now I feel I can flash back to it without heart palpitations.

Last year I matched with a guy on tinder. I couldn’t believe I had finally matched my soulmate, the 105th one of the year what whatever…

He was everything I wanted in a man, except he was short… damn South African men are short. We moved from Tinder to text, me leading the convos but again, whatever…. I’ve learned to never compromise now. Finally! Anyway, we quickly planned to meet up and he said he’d cook… We all know that the more you swipe, the more desperate you get and the more likely you’ll give a non-deserving dude some coochie. So a date indoors is like accepting the possibility to make out and if the cards are played even slightly well, we’ll bang bang bang.
I know that if I don’t want to bang, I wear my period panties and don’t shave… I went to the date in a very sexy number under my jeans and hoodie… JEAN and a Hoodie and this idiot still made me feel small by saying I was overdressed. I should have ran.

We had chicken and a salad, the salad had avo and I asked him why he didn’t ask if I wanted avo or not… He said it’s a deal breaker if I hate avo, I love avo though but his response is a little narcissistic right? I should have ran.

We finally decide on a movie, it gets chilly and he gives me a blanket, I’m sipping wine, the lights are dim, y’all, the mood is set.
I don’t get the butterflies in the stomach, no shivers down my spine, no hot flashes and my coochie probably thought I was sleeping because it was not building up moisture and usually if I even THINK about sex, I get dripping wet, guys, I should have ran.

He talked about his work, his life, his hobbies, his traumas his his his, I don’t even think he asked me a damn thing about my life. Wine goes straight to my groin and I kiss him, he kisses me back and zero spark, zero chemistry…
He picks me up, he’s so short I’m sure it was mad funny to witness from the window. My legs barely left the floor, you know the bikes we had as kids where we pushed ourselves? Yeah, I was still brushing the floor. hahahaha We go to the bedroom and you already know…. we fuck and it sucks. It must have sucked because I don’t really remember it, or maybe this whole encounter troubled me that I chose to delete it in my mind. It sure didn’t rock my world, I know for sure. For good measure, and because I’m a sucker for punishment , and because I might have had low self-esteem ( I doubt but honestly why did I repeat that shit show? Hope? Boredom?) we went for round two in the morning… underwhelming is an understatement.

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

The sun rises and he goes to shower, offers me nothing and I lay there wrapped in regret, watching his baby-soft ass and thinking of an exit plan, didn’t need to though because he said he was going to a meeting, hahahaha
work meeting in his sweats , work meeting on a saturday morning… Highly unlikely but whatever, I should have ran…

Then we had a weird hug and I drove home, only to hear from him a month later…. asking if we could be friend.

We aren’t friends.

The end.