I think I’ve found it, not all of it but just enough for now. A friend of mine has a child and she calls it the biggest mistake of her life, I was having a conversation with her, telling her that I envy her because she has a child and so she has a reason to keep living and trying and pushing this thing called life, she said NO, said she regrets it and that life is even worse when a tiny being is looking at you for its survival and you basically have double the job and have to find double the will to live… I get her angle but I don’t agree. I want to have children but I want to be at a reasonably ‘happy’ place so that I can be the best version of myself and consequently, the best mom. I know postpartum depression is not optional and happens to even the most ‘motherly’ people we know, but going into pregnancy/motherhood in the midst of depression is a one way ticket to suicide!
So in that dark conversation with my depressed and suicidal friend, I found a bit of light, a tiny spark, the will to live, for my babies, my future babies! I want them to find me in a healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spiritual state. So that’s it, I’ve decided I’m doing it for my babies. I don’t have much time because I’m 36 this year!! SHUUUUU That’s a fucking big number! Worse when it’s typed out! At least I don’t have to first find Mr Right, he exists and would very much love to have mini versions of him running around. I don’t even want to talk about how his mother is embarrassing him by ALWAYS asking when she’s getting grand babies, lol, my sister too, my friends too… basically everyone, except mean sis of course…. See, even if I feel under the whether, I’ll have support.
Is it weird that I already have names? Ditiro, Eleanor, Anaya and Amora – the twins …. One boy and 3 girls
Find that reason to live, you are alive for a reason. Also, everyone gets a happy ending, if it is not happy, then it is not the end.
The happy end.