Point me to the MINE!

Intermittent fasting is like the diamond mine of weight loss!!!! It’s so simple, note that I said simple and not easy. You only eat in your open widow and you lose the weight. Simple! I don’t think it’s a new thing though so why didn’t anyone tell me in my teenage years, yes ok I didn’t need it but it would have been nice to know. For the longest time I tried every diet in the world and drank every concoction suggested. I came close to swallowing a parasite! Thank God honestly, for finding intermittent fasting, some people say it’s an organised eating disorder but there is no order in the world anyway. It’s such a dream

Summer body goal sorted!

Now someone please tell me the dating/ relationship/ marriage jackpot. I know it is dating apps, well, WAS dating app. I think I got introduced to the apps too late. Younger people, teens, use their hearts ( yes and penises) more. My peers on dating apps just use their dicks! They are trying to escape their marriages and get quick action so no thanks. The longer you search on dating apps, the more the dumpster mould goes green! There MUST be something I’m missing man! Help! I want men, well a man would be fine. Decency seem to be too much to ask for these days. I’m 33 and the dream of having 5 kids by 40 seems ridiculous. I’ll settle for 2, in wedlock, or at least a live-in lover… See how I lower my standards…? At this point I just want regular D, even that’s a lot to ask for, you bed a man and suddenly they want ‘favours’ from you. AG! I’ve had peace since November 2019 when I deleted tinder, a little too much peace. I’d much rather prefer the ups and downs of the dating world compared to this radio silence but download I shall not. I tried meeting people organically then masks happened. It’s like the universe is against me dating. I had a look at my men inventory and I have 1) Ben10… He has been around forever and is young and so hot and so broke… I honestly just want to fuck him. 2) Husband… Time to block this indecisive idiot. 3) Some guy who doesn’t even have a name, he got married sometime in the years we were flirting and forgot to tell me until I saw his ring while we grabbed drinks pre covid and he was like ‘I thought you knew’ , you know what, he’s not an option. Husband is not an option, Ben10 is not an option either… I HAVE NOTHING! Empty pantry, what a nightmare!

No men to date, no blog posts to share!

I want a new fucking job! Well I’d much rather have a wealthy partner who says working is optional for me and pays all my bills but well… No such luck! Next best option is to find a new job that won’t suck my soul on the daily! I’ve heard nothing from 2 jobs that I was so sure were mine! NIGHTMARE!!!

You know what? I want to see a psychic, a free one though, I need to see my future. I just want to know if good things will happen or not. Born 1987, 9 December… Sagittarius star sign. Anyone? Anymore???

Photo by Wellington Cunha on Pexels.com

I’m in love with a crumb!

I don’t want to admit this to anyone I know because I too think it’s foolish, just plain stupid.. I don’t even want to talk about it at night when I’m my only company. I’m falling in love with a man who barely notices my existence. Why why why am I doing this to myself.?? This man has called me twice in 6 months, this man calls me babe/suggar (not a typo) on text. This man did get me an expensive birthday gift. He sends music and memes, that a love language right? He talks about our future plans and what cars we should get and that me getting a motorbike is a hard NO from him because he is incapable of raising children alone and that he would cry, more because he’s angry than hurt and and and… This man is selling me dreams and I’m buying ALL.OF.IT!!

I know what it is! It is the sheer desperation to have a companion, someone to save me from living with my sister, someone to kiss and cuddle and fuck. I so badly want this guy to be the one because I’m tired of searching and I’m tired of auditioning and I’m tired of checking and giving signals and all that comes with trying to date.

He wants what I want and he wants it from me but can anxiety honestly make a man not man up???

I’m so comfused!

On Sundays I post “Sundays are for lovers”thingys and he is so invested in it.

Why is he so slow though? He hasn’t asked me out, he hasn’t tried to kiss me, Even though over text he’s a little unfiltered. Maybe he’s not that into me… Maybe he doesn’t have a penis… Maybe he’s scared of girls… maybe he’s scared of covid? Maybe his anxiety is actually a real thing… Agg!

I need a distraction, or an actual potential… I never went to a different gym to ‘squat like a whore’ , lol I got lazy to go to a gym further away and besides, I do not look good when wet! Nothing pretty!

I want him and he wants me but he doesn’t want me with enough vigour for me to show him that I want him too. I hate these games, how old are we??? But remember back in Sept? when I ‘met’ him, I duped him my husband. I still have a feeling he is and our story is just really this complex… I’m never wrong about people… Must I actively try to move on? Must I wait for him? I asked him twice and felt like a needy bitch and swore to myself never to be the man, and I can’t really remember what his response was…

He does know we don’t have forever right? I’m ready to GO GO GO! What if he can’t kiss? What if he only wants to fuck in the dark? on the bed? only at night? AHHHGGG!

I’m going to just leave him in my back pocket! Maybe I’m just horny!

I’m sorry for this post, it’s honestly just a vent.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Round 3 Day 1!

Well well well, if it isn’t day one again…. Hello my, uhmm, hello you! This is the final round! well, that’s if I hit my ultimate goal of 58kg, yikes, even typing it out is scary. It seems so unatainable, So far, yet so near!!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I hate to admit that the morning runs seemed to make a difference, man I hated those runs. I think they need to return though…. ok maybe not every morning but just on the weekends. Either way, I do not have a choice but to bring them back in the ‘programme’. In round one, I did well… The weightloss was steady. In round 2, I stopped running and the weight loss was super tricky! Even though I maintained the gym regime… Agg!

This last week was supposed to be my break week but then that changed because I didn’t hit the goal of 62kg. I fell short at 63.7kg So break week got cancelled, NOT! lol. I’m so weak. All week it was a struggle… To break or not to break. Monday I had 2 not-so-decent meals. Tried to redeem myself on Tuesday but ended up going out for dinner with a friend, those potato chips were divine. Between Wednesday and Thursday I completed a 48 hour fast! Friday, Saturday and Sunday are a blur… A good blur…I told myself that life is short and that this is a journey, not a race, and that I’m human, blah blah blah. I was fantasizing about alcohol, even though the reason I last had a drink on the 4th of January, wasn’t weight related. I wanted to even have the non alcoholic version of my favourite cider then thought, nah, it’s not worth the calories, especially if I won’t even have a buzz. So I baked! LOL!

I fit in 2 of the 3 outfits that show me I’ve lost enough weight! Its funny how my mind plays tricks on me. When I’m naked, I see no difference, I feel like I have a mountain to climb with this weight loss drama but when I wear my pants, they slip right on! Hell there is breathing space! No better feeling! No more jumping into them, no more laying on the bed to pull them up… It’s weird! And amazing… Its weirdly amazing! I almost can’t recognise myself on pictures!

I need the power of the Holy spirit in this final round…. I need to reach my goal and shift to a maintenance program instead of still trying to lose weight. I can’t believe I made it so far tho… I think I look good now though, I’m worried that the number I was after, 58kg, is too much, as in, it’s bad. I think 60kg will be good… I think I matched the body and the scale number incorrectly. I already look like my goal but the number is not quite it, do you know what I mean? So the new goal is just under 60kg… yah, That will be perfect, 10kg loss is not child’s play…

The words of a friend ring in my head as motivation though “Non-scale victories are worth their weight in gold! The tiropotas will still be there when you get to your goal and they’ll taste even more delicious!”
Isn’t this so true? This is also helping….

Lets recap on this journey:

Round 1
Day 1: 69.1kg
Day 7: 68.2kg
Day 14: 67.2kg
Day 21: 65.5Kg

Round 2
Day 1: 67.1 kg
Day 7: 64.4 kg
Day 14: 64.3kg
Day 21: 63.7kg

Round 3
Day 1: 63.7kg
Well, I got on the scale and saw that number, got off, went to pee, got back on and it said 64.1kg, We don’t need that kind of negativity so we are sticking to 63.7kg!

I’m so proud of myself and very ready for final round 3!

The plan: Intermittent fasting 20:4, Calorie deficit, cardio daily ( gym 7 days a week) no less than 1 hour, muscle build at least 3 days a week! Drink more water!

Lets fucking go!

A post about nothing and everything!

Job hunting!!!
Man hunting!!!
Summer body hunting!!!

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

These days I seem to just be hunting and not gathering! I swear I’m not a complainer but thats all I’m doing lately. I’m sorry, complainers annoy me too. I’m used to setting out for what I want, working at it, achieving it and then clapping for my damn self but of late, my efforts seem futile. Or so I thought!

Well, the job hunting and man hunting, that is!

If it’s not ‘we regret to inform you…’ emails it’s ‘oh no, we are looking for chemistry specialists not microbiology” interviews. I thought I had some job in the bag, turns out not… I haven’t heard anything from them post the interview, which went well… Is no news good news or is no response a response in this case?? I don’t know.

This morning I stopped to get luxury coffee at the petrol station, we call it garage in SA. It was unusually packed! I went in anyway, opportunity to manhunt I thought, one man stood out… He was sweating lightly on his forehead, not good, is it BP?? He had a patchy mohawk , not good, is he bolding?? He wore a full suit, grey, plus a red pocket square and formal shoes that had studded soles, those looked expensive! But, I decided after taking a picture of him to send to my sister that I don’t want anything to do with him. I’m loud and need a quiet guy to balance me out. Imagine being known as the loud couple… no! I could hear him in my mind already ‘no woman of mine wears anything cheap’ or ‘that’s not how you drink expensive wine’ or ‘your nails have grown out, you are going to embarasses me’ NO NO NO NO NO! so I order my coffee and want to pay with my gym points ( some weird reward system we have) and since I’m on a diet break, I deserve a large caramel latte! I get told the system is offline, FUCK (everything is always off line in the country:) and I’m NOT spending my damn money on expensive coffee so I get the fuck out… The chubby narc is at the door… waiting, men are so predictable! He says hi and I say hi but keep it moving! In the past, I have given guys chances to prove me wrong and that has NEVER happened, I know it wouldn’t start with him soooooo… I’m an excellent judge of character, I’m can read people’s energy and aura and I’ve never been wrong. I’ve been stubborn but never wrong! Nope. No Sir, I want none of this. I want none of you. This killer hairstyle and this fucking hot body are doing wonders in this mask wearing world! I held all the attention in that place today. Waves and looks are fabulous for confidence, not that a full cup can get fuller but it’s nice…. Then I get to hell work and I get the ‘you are too thin, your ass is gone’ bitches… Ai, jealousy makes people so nasty!
Basically I’m trying to say there are guys out there… I must just pick. On second thought, maybe I should have given him my number for content, lol! But no, I want everlasting, I want real. I want him, the one!

I’m not setting….

Summer body hunting is going great, I’m at the stage where people see the difference. More importantly, I feel damn good! Clothes fit better! I just want to tone it all up, well, lose a tiny bit more and build muscle! I think I’m getting too happy though, tell me when my head gets too big! Happy is good, until I celebrate the only way I know how… Keep me in check my friends! hahaha!

This year I’m keeping all the promises I made to myself! ALL OF THEM! I owe myself so much sex though… lol!

*********************

Edit 4 hours later…

Remember the pic I took and sent to my sister? I also sent the pic of the chubby guy to my male bestie… HAHAHA What a fucking small world this is…. Turns out it’s my male bestie’s cousin!!!!!!!!! After I’d complained that the world is out of decent man he laughs and say ‘dawg that’s my brother’…
Oops!

The Real Ex

Right at the end of my last real relationship ( acquainted with the family, raw sex, attempts at period sex, driving his car… you know, real real) I wasn’t ready to have a gun pulled out and pointed to me! Let me rewind a little and set the scene. I was dating this guy and everything seemed fine until I started actively thinking about everything he said and did. We dated for 2 years and I had never met any of his family members, I had never slept over at his place, I had not met his daughter! Guys, men are scammers.

We were regulars at all drinking places, although this was a perk on those packed Friday nights, it quickly became a bore. I wanted quiet nights in, cuddles on the couch but because he too lived with his sister, none of that could happen. I understood and didn’t question it for a long time because I too live with a ‘not so nice’ sister. His sister hated me, but it wasn’t personal, apparently she hated anyone who was not his baby mama and blamed them for the break up. She ( the evil sister) came to live with the younger brother (my man), along with her son, pending her divorce. I didn’t push to meet her and left it at that. Until one day I was PMSing and questioned how a grown man could be so terrified of his sister, I was tired of hotel sex and sleeping in the car like we were cheating but I didn’t push that much! Every time I was on my period, I did a bit more calculations but never really asked him.

Fast forward towards the end, the sister called me.

She was the wife. They had 2 kids. Today I laugh about it but back in 2018, I cried my eyes out alone at night. I couldn’t share this with my sister as she hated this man for her own reason, which was just, well, just because…

This man took me to all restaurants.
This man made me speak to his dad?? lol, I think it was his friend pretending to be his dad.
This man spoiled me.
This man asked me to check my ring finger size for him.
This man was at my uncle’s funeral and so he met my parents.
This man took me to view land and asked me to start thinking of the house I want to live in.
This man introduced me to his ‘sister’s’ son because he was too young to report back. Turned out it’s his son WAHAHAHA
This man bribed the police to release my mean sister when she was arrested for DUI but still she hated him.
This man…. This man had me fooled.

After the ‘sister’ turned out to be his wife, I confronted him obviously and he said they just shared a house and that she doesn’t want to leave the house because she’s unemployed and that he actually sleeps on the couch and they don’t talk to each other blah blah blah bullshit. The wife called me again and was being a bitch, ‘I’m the wife, leave my man’. She lit a fire in me because first of all, I didn’t know, second of all I don’t want a cheater, and thirdly, no women deserves such from other women. I wanted to let go and dump this man, but for myself, not as a favour to her so I prolonged the inevitable, I know, I was a bitch! I was embarrassed and hurt and devasted and annoyed but to him, I made the anger seem 100 times more than it really was…. I told him he had a week to move the fuck out and I wanted proof that it really was over between them. The woman called me, again!!! This time she was apologetic and said all she wanted was to fix her family but that he beat her!! WHATTT???? Turned out to be a lie! She wanted to make me feel guilty, y’all, this was such a horrible time, I HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS!

Anyway, eventually I dumped him because I do not want a cheater and alleged abuser… He didn’t want this at all. He started stalking me. Rocking up everywhere I was, sending me pictures of myself in shops or malls and basically everywhere. I just thought of him as a bodyguard and let it go….

*Enter a new potential*

I’m at gym with a girl friend of mine and this guy I’ve been flirting with for a little while happens to be there too… He asks me if we could grab dinner after the gym session, my friend was fine with it and so I said cool… why the hell not! It was about a week of no security updates from my bodyguard.

I had to drive us to dinner because I had parked this new potential, let’s call him Apple head, in. I had parked at the end so it was easier that I drove. I hate driving men anywhere! But whatever… We got there, had dinner and then I saw a missed call from the stalker and the hair on my back stood up. I hurried the dinner, PAID for the dinner ( his wallet was in his car, he will pay me back – he never did!) On top of this, Apple head wanted dessert, smh, he had no shame. I ended up dating him for a bit and he didn’t disappoint in disappointing the whole relationship, that’s a whole other post! Anyway, finally we walk out, I have my purse in my hand and he wants to hold my other hand, as we are about to cross the street to go to my car, I spot the ex, the stalker leaning on my car just staring at us…. I just shake Apple head’s hand off, I don’t know why. It was like I was busted cheating, except I wasn’t cheating…. Anyway, that idiot Apple head doesn’t even see my ex and he hops into the passenger side. I look at the ex, say hi and try open the driver door, he closes it. I tell him to leave me alone and I try to open the door, he slams it shuts and leans on it. Apple head finally realises something is up after what felt like 10 minutes, idiot. He gets out and asks ‘What’s going on?’ My ex: Fuck off, this is my woman. Apple head walks off and crosses the road guys!!! Ex: oh so you drive men around? You pay for dinner, wait wait, you even eat Spur now??? WOW! Are you dating that idiot?? I just look at him and tell him what he wants to hear, I was like ‘I literally just met him today and we grabbed something to eat. Can I just go now, this is unnecessary… As I start thinking I’ve calmed him down, Apple head returns WITH THE FUCKING POLICE!

Apple head to police: This guy doesn’t want me and my woman to go…
Ex to Apple head: Fuck off, this is my woman!
Cops to me: Are you ok? Is this man bothering you?
Me to cops: I’m ok but I want to leave and he won’t let me.
Cops to ex: Let her go.
Ex to all of us: Fine.

The ex walks off into the busyness of the night… and We drive off finally….

Just when we get on the road, I spot my ex behind me, driving like a madness, changing lanes into oncoming traffic to push me off the road, all while the idiot next to me yells ‘Drive Faster!’ LOL! This idiot, I’m not dying today! So I slow down and open my window and ask my ex “What the fuck??” He yells back “pull over or I’ll shoot!” I look over to Apple head for advice because I don’t know what to do!!He says “Drive Faster!” I just laugh at this point and tell him “He’s going to shoot you dude, not me” His eyes bulge out his sockets! hahaha, It’s only funny now, in that moment, it wasn’t funny at all but I still laughed, either that or crying so I opted to laugh instead. I decide to pull over into some random alley and just try to calm him down again, he’s my lion and I know which buttons to push, I tell Apple head. I tell him to stay in the fucking car and I’ll sort him out… I just stop the car in the middle of the road, get out and walk to him… He comes over to me and he asks “Is it because he’s light? Is it because he’s tall?” NO! It’s because it’s over between us. I don’t tell him this, I just say “It’s so hard to forget you I just want distractions, you hurt me..” Apple head comes out the car AFTER I GAVE HIM CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS NOT TO! He walks his stupid tall ass over to us and asks for the car keys to park the car nicely, I give him and my ex gets even more livid “He drives your car????? After 2 years I’ve never driven your car!!! I tell him he’s just moving it for safety and turn the tables on how much he doesn’t care about me and how he lied and just start being the victim. Playing the damsel in distress helps and he comes in for a hug, telling me he wants to fix things and marry me and live happily ever after. I tell him we’ll talk in the morning when we have both calmed down… As we wrap it up and hug it out, We get blinded by police van lights and they come out pointing ak47 guns at us! Apple head comes out and yell “Ya, this guy wants to shoot us” Me and the ex just look at each other and roll out eyes!

The ex yells that I’m his woman and he pulls me towards him, Apple head feeling brave because the cops are there, pulls me in the opposite direction and says I’m his woman. I’m in the middle of the road, in gym tights, being pulled from left to right. The cops: STOP fighting over a woman!!! Lady please choose what you want so we can all go home.

The cops pant the ex down like a criminal and search his car, no gun is found. He’s asked to leave and he gives Apple head the most evil look I have ever seen and drives off at 120km/h! The cops ask if I’ll be fine and then they leave. Me and Apple head leave. On the way to his place, my ex starts calling Apple head. I still don’t know how he tracked me down. I still to this day don’t know how he got hold of Apple heads info. Apple head ( 31 years at the time) has sheer panic all over him. I tell him to block the number. “Do you think I must call my dad?” WAHAHAHAHA! Man, my life is a comedy show,. I decide to sleep over at Apple head’s house, partly because I wanted sex and wanted to kind of protect him, and piss my ex off more. It worked. Apple head and his little penis bored me though, I always had to get on top! ag! Another post! In the morning, I had 56 missed calls from the ex and Apple head had threatening messages.

I got home. My ex told my sister that I must pack all the shit he had bought for me and that he wants the bribe money he had paid for my sister and that I’m a whore!

I packed nothing, like fuck you dude, I deserve these nice things, but went to withdraw the money because he can have something over me but not my sister… He’d feel so powerful thinking me and my sister owe him so no! Then it was time to give him the money. He gulps down half a bottle of whiskey, straight from the bottle, walks out his car in his shorts ( underwear) only and comes to the driver side… My sister sees we are dealing with a beast here and she stretches over and gives him the money R2k… “Thanks hey” she says. She never hold back on her thoughts so for her to be that ‘nice’ she senses it’s not the time for her nonsense. I just look at him and smile internally that he too gets to feel miserable. He looks at me and says “Did you sleep with him?’ I shake my head no and he asks again…. Again I shake my head… Then I tell him to leave. I drive pretending I have places to go and he gets out the complex.

Because I had blocked him he texts my sister that I’m a bitch and he wants everything to give it to charity. I think he passed out because he was quiet for hours then he came with the apologies and that he was angry but he doesn’t really want the money back. He’s sorry that he called me a bitch and I can keep the clothes and shoes and bags… Ag, now that he seemed human again, I told my sister to block him.

That was the last time I heard from him…. until last year when he sent me condolences for my mother’s passing.

What a ride that was.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Round 2 Day 21!

OH MY GOOOSH!

Red text: my heart speaking (Or BOLD)
Blue text: my mind speaking ( Or italics)
Black text: when the heart and mind agree…

Back to regular programming now that that’s clear…

PERIOD WEEK, I blame everything on period week. So in Round 3, period week must fall DURING my break week ,ie, at the end of 21 days, so that I don’t feel bad for feeding my cravings ‘during my diet’. No, that’s a bad idea as then I’ll have zero self control, at least when I cheat, it’s a ‘small cheat’, whatever that means. What a disaster this last week has been. Monday, I found myself eating 2 meals, they were relatively small and within the calorie intake but because gym was out, it was even more horrendous! Monday disaster happened, but Larney, this is a once off and I’m letting it slide girl, because its period week and periods suck and no one in the world deserves them so have that extra meal because life is hard and your life kinda sucks’. Tuesday morning I woke up determined to win after the scale didn’t move, phew! I had my pre packed lunch like a good girl. Afterwork, I went to get my contraceptives and staring at me was all the Valentine’s Day chocolate, now on sale!!! I bought it. I ate it! I’m slipping off the mountain ain’t I??? ‘You recognise it girl, so breath and remember the end goal is still there, so don’t feel bad Larney, tomorrow we try again‘. Tuesday evening, I found myself eating the 2nd meal, WHY AM I SO HUNGRY!!?? The second meal was relatively small yes but no gym, cheating meals directly results in weight gain, agg! ‘Bitch you HAD chocolate, WTF now??‘ Wednesday, woke up determined and got on the scale. ‘If I haven’t gained, I’ll have that sweetened coffee reserved for Thursdays’. scale 64kg… ‘Yes!“No, girl are you fucking mad? We are actually 2 days away from the goal of 62 point anything kg, so get your shit right!‘Yeah yeah whatever, you said its period week and I deserve treats’. ‘Well now you’ve overdone it! plus you know you’ll be seeing the nephews and nieces and you won’t resist those pork ribs!!!!!’
After work on Wednesday, I asked myself.. ‘Larney, aren’t you tired of starting over and over and over again?’ Yes, yes I am. Fine, I won’t go do a ‘quick’ drive through, I’ll go straight home!’Good, you know how it feel to be on the fat side of life and the sexy side of life. Everything you do pushes you closer to one of the options. You choose! So indeed I drove straight home… Then I had chocolate before bed!!
Thursday came around, I made good choices and stuck to the plan!! After waking up to 63.7kg, I thank God for not neglecting me! LOL.
Friday morning I saw 63.4kg!!!! So close! Saturday and Sunday got molded into one and…. let’s just say, I tried my very best, under the circumstances. I had a gigantic tower of fries and ribs, 2 days in a row! I was drowning it all down with an ice cold coke, it was divine! On Friday my sister was drinking a cider and offered me, I said no but I was swallowing with her every time she took a sip…. It didn’t help that she said ‘ahhhhhh’ every time!!! On Saturday I was so weak and waited to be offered, fortunately she didn’t feel like drinking and so I wasn’t tempted… I’m telling you, I would have gulped it down before she could finish saying “Do you wa….” I did ask myself why I’m punishing myself and had the ‘Life is short’ soliloquy…Let’s move on shall we? Let’s face the music!

Round 2 recap:
Day 1: 67.1 kg
Day 7: 64.4 kg
Day 14: 64.3kg
Day 21: 63.7kg

Sooooo, I didn’t quite make the goal of 62kg but I’m close enough, even though almost doesn’t count. This is supposed to be my break week but it will need to be super controlled. Ag! This is so hard, but if it were easy…. You know the rest. Have I hit a plateau?… naaaah, I’ve been slacking honestly…

The final round is looming and the goal is 58kg! I just want to maintain a weight of under 60kg… I can almost taste it!

If I can do it, then clearly anyone can, honestly! I throw tantrums while doing it but i do it and that’s all that matters! We are winning at this!

I lost enough to cut my hair, I have a fat bulge at the back of my head when I gain weight, that’s now gone!! Honestly, nothing tastes better than sexy feels! Nothing!

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

Let us pray

I’m moving! I’m doing it!

I’ve always thought of myself as an adventurous person, the ‘leap of faith’ taker type of person. But I just realised that in 33 years, I’ve never really done anything I claim I’d do. No grand gesture of love. No major moving or uprooting to anywhere, no daring acts as I claim, or seem, or aspire! I’m a risk taker, but only in my head. And I very pissed off with myself for this. I actually blame my family! Why you ask? Because they are to blame!!!! i feel like I wasted my youth, I wasted my 20s! I was young and hot and full of spirit and I did absolutely nothing!

Whenever I wanted to test the waters and spread my wings, my mom gave me the ‘So you want to leave us’ speech…. When I wanted to move out of home, my mom gave me the ‘only if you move with your sister’ speech… I knew I’d regret it but did it anyway. I love my sister but she never gained independece, she’s my older sis, please note BUT she alternated between playing the mom, the child and the friend to me. None of these work for me.

When I’m out, She plays the mom and calls me 100 times and wants pics!
When I’m in, she plays the child and sleeps after having chutney nik naks for dinner with no issue. I cook 100% of the cooked meals and trust she wants some.
When I’m out with MY friends she tells them she wants to tag along and of course they don’t mind but I do!!!!!!

We have lived together for 7 years now and the one time my boyfriend of 2 years slept over, she told me I don’t respect her. She hates all my boyfriends and has the balls to wake up and say ‘I wish you could break up’ ‘he’s not your type’ ‘Don’t make a baby with him’ blah blah blah…

Anyway, I just want to point out that the family we want to make proud is usually the reason we don’t conquer the world. The family we want to please is usually the one to blame because they clip our wings, they kill our ideas, they cater to themselves first.

I would have been faaaaaar if it wasn’t for the ‘Don’t leave us’ crew. The ‘stay home’ crew. And for what???? For what??? They make you feel so guilty for choosing yourself. They call your depressive moments ‘moods’.

So now, I have a chance, I have a perfect job oppurtunity looming, I can choose me, I can drink my own wine without her measuring how much is poured out for ‘fairness’ I can have the privacy to masturbate without her just basting my door open when she feels like it. ( I locked it once and she said ‘ I wonder why this door is locked’. All with a raised nose). I can invite people over to my place. She fucking hates visitors! One day our cousins had to eat in the car because she said they will make the house dirty. When my other sister and her kids come, she hides her snacks. ( I suggested we got our own places and she said ‘Will you help me pay rent??’ This is a woman who buy expensive shoes every month!) I just want to shave my kitty in peace! I just want to light candles with no tv noise. She is home 100% of the time when I’m there. She leaves 5 minutes before me in the morning and rushes back home to be there before me. I’ll stop here because I’m getting myself angry. But sometimes I pretend to be at gym just to go have coffee in a restaurant for the sake of peaceful alone time. Peace!! I’ll have peace.

So please, send positive vibes my way as I wait for feedback from the interview. It’s a win win if, no. WHEN I get this job. I win because I desperately hate my current job ( more the environment) and I’ll get to move and have PEACE in my life. You will win because I’m definitely sure I’ll have new dating adventures. SEE!? So please pray for me.

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Sweet sweet nothings

I know I know, yes, he’s back, technically he never left, its just his ranking on my priority list that changes up and down. Since he confided in me about suffering from anxiety, I can’t help it but I feel sorry for him and it really helped me understand him a bit better. He likes to paint himself as a monster that’s too broken to be loved, maybe I should believe him or risk learning its true the hard way or maybe, just maybe I must take on my very last patient. Spiritual women do tend to attract ‘wounded birds’. I’ve healed so many broken men and everytime they fly away, it hurt like hell. But since I’ve stopped admissions in the hospital, I feel like I’m neglecting some life purpose. I have a healing aura and the world sure needs any kind of niceness and healing is can get at this time so let me take this one on, you know? To help the world you know… He said he wants to be both a vacation and a home for me but he thinks he’s too damaged. The anxiety revelation made me see him in a completely different light, I thought he was slow and that meant he wasn’t quiet serious or eager but really, he’s just trying to get to a comfortable level with me. One where he can hold a fork and knife steadily, one where he can look me straight in the eyes without breaking in a sweat or one where he can hug me for longer than 10 seconds without his heart feeling like it will explode… I imagine. I’ve mentioned to you dear readers that I’m fucking beautiful, sexy and I’m a scientist! It’s a lot for anybody, I admit! He said he’s popping anxiety pills again so it must really be bad. I take phone calls and meeting up so lightly that to me it’s just quick quick easy peasy but I’ve learned those are anxiety triggering… I’m going to be patient with him, I’m going to give him a chance…Oh man there comes those weird things in my eyes again… look….😍

16:39 13 February 2021 he said to me…

To my next girlfriend
Hi, I’m Carter
I don’t eat pickles and I don’t eat pork
I think you’re one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever talked to
I reiterate things when I mean them
I think you’re one of the most beautiful girls that I’ve talked to. I’m an artist, and a hopeless romantic
I spend most of my day in my head over analyzing almost everything
I know I’m weird I’m learning to love that about myself
I got a big ass head, I also got a big ass Heart
I deal with depression
Pretty heavy sometimes that I have really bad anxiety
But at the same time I’m a people person
I’m trying to understand how I’m such a contradiction
But maybe you’ll learn to love this in the same way I’m learning to love myself And on the topic of love
If we’re going to be together
I want you to understand that this relationship
Isn’t going to start in emotions
I’d like it to start as a decision
I need you to decide to love me In the same way that someone decides to go to work everyday
I need you to understand that change is going to happen
We are going to change as people
This relationship may not end in marriage it may not end at all
But if it ends it’ll end in change. We’re not going to leave this the same people that we came as
I need you to be open to this change
In the same way that I need to be open to this change
I need you to be understanding because some days
I don’t know myself, so I know I’ll be hard to recognize

Round 2 Day 14!

OH MY GOSH!! What a horrible week guys!!! Everyday I was on the verge of a binge! On the verge of tears! On the verge of just giving up on all of this. I was soooo hungry. Right after every meal, I was ready for the next one, which I’d have to wait 22hours for! Shuuuu. It was the week before my periods so actually it’s understandable.

As I think back to the week I see those images of me having yet another sweetened huge mug of cappuccino! I gave in on Saturday, when the geyser decided not to heat the water up, that was the last straw! I went for the chocolate. I know having chocolate in the house is like setting myself up for failure but I’m pretty strong willed. I live with my sister who’s permanently glued to wine and snacks, so I’m fighting temptation on the daily, besides, this is chocolate from Christmas!

I went for the chocolate, it wasn’t even a lot and it did make me feel better! Then I went for the chocolate again on Sunday after receiving nothing for Valentine’s Day, I know I’m single but come on! I got the texts but I think that’s worse than receiving no gift! That’s a whole other blog post. Back to the nightmare week…. Yes so I cheated a little but I was still within my calorie intake but not quiet in my eating window as such…. Let’s check the scale numbers:

Recap Round 2

Day 1: 67.1 kg
Day 7: 64.4 kg
Day 14: 64.3kg

I’m happy with that, no that’s a lie, it honestly isn’t fair how much effort I have to put in to NOT GAIN, intermittent fasting, calorie deficit AND gym workouts! Damn.

This is the last week of round 2! My goal for this round is to hit 62 kg, You know I even take 62.9 kg…. I have to hit the goal! I have to! I’ve already planned my celebratory meal dammit!

I have to relook at my maintenance plan though, the plan was to IF for 3 weeks, then break for a week but I see room for disaster happening! Intermittent fasting works and because I fasted intermittently this week, I see how much of a negative impact that had on my weightloss so I’m going to aim for 100 consecutive days IFíng before I can have a day to play around. I’m on 36 total fasts. Or maybe I’ll IF 20:4 for 3 weeks and on my ‘break week’ take it to 16:8 but stopping altogether is not an option! IF is the way to go guys, it’s the one thing to get right! I’ll figure it all out at the end of Round 3!

This being my period week means that I am at my heaviest… and hungriest… and grumpiest… wish me luck. I only have calorie deficit and IF as my tools because I can’t use a tampon ( I just hate it) and no ways will I cycle while sitting in a pool of blood, so out goes gym for the week!

Man this is so hard! but I’m not giving up!

Face the facts!

Do you actually personally know ANYONE who has ever gotten a job via LinkedIn??? Yah, me neither! I must just delete it.

Anyway, here’s a reality check that you didn’t ask for…

Just because you clap for people and congratulate them on their success, doesn’t mean your chance is coming.
Just because you prayed hard and fast for a specific job, doesn’t mean you’ll get, not even if you play gospel all day before the interview.
Just because you’ve endured hardship and overcame heartache, doesn’t mean it will end.
Just because you lost loved ones, doesn’t mean something big will fill that void.

I promise I wanted to be inspirational at first but I have nothing…

Just because life sucks, doesn’t mean it can’t suck even more! So enjoy, I don’t know what thought …

Let me take my bitter ass home!

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