My mom died… 🤯

My mom died, she really did. I use the term ‘died’ because it feels almost as raw and broken and shattered as I feel.

Imagine living without the most important person in your life 💔

I’m the youngest of 4 girls, well, 3 now, my eldest sister passed on in 2014. I never got over that. 7 months ago my mom passed. When it happened, I conditioned my mind and even my siblings that “her passing was the healing she needed” but dammit, I’ve lived each day after that trying to not create situations where her absence is loud.

It’s hard.

My family never really touch emotional topics so on the surface, everyone is ok. But I know I stifle my nightly cries with my pillow… and I’m the emotionally strong one.

I don’t want to celebrate even my birthday because it’s a ‘situation’ where I will notice she’s no more…. She would always say “happy birthday my baby girl” as if I were her first and only baby girl

I don’t want to marry because it will be a ‘situation’ where I will notice she’s no more…

I don’t want to study because she will be missed at my graduation…

I don’t want to have a baby because, how do you mother without your mother?

I’m trying not to live because I’m actually really dead inside….

life crisis

I’m almost 32 and I haven’t figured my life out yet…

I know this is not the job I want,
Maybe it’s a stepping stone for the one I want… Sigh!

I know this is not the man I want to marry,
Maybe he will introduce me to my soul mate… Sigh!

I know this is not the place i want to live in,
Maybe it’s just where I’ll store my stuff as I wait for the walk-in closet to be finish…Sigh!

I know I know, no one is coming to save me from myself.

black claw hammer on brown wooden plank

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Do as you please

In a moment of strength, a little frustration but definitely a lot of annoyance, I deleted Tinder. I have obviously deleted and downloaded the app more than I care to admit. Yesterday I got a reminder, more of a reaffirmation, that I did make the right decision and should NEVER  EVER download it again regardless of how bored, hungry, horny or whatever else excuse I might think of. I don’t block the idiots I’ve exchanged numbers with on my whatsapp because I lowkey want to show them what they are missing( which is not much really but they don’t have to know details) and slightly hoping they will see my wedding pics and preggo bumpS eventually ( even though I’ll be alone forever clearly). They usually feed my ego when I put up a slightly sexy picture by waking up from the dead and drooling.

I digress from the heading.
I’m usually too nice, and I loathe this. I’m the type to say I’m fine with taking the chair at a restaurant while he takes the comfy couch. I’m the type to agree to use cheap condoms although I have my fav brand. I’m the type to pay the bill when he pats his pockets in a fake panic because he can’t remember where his wallet is after he ate and drank as he pleased. I’m the type to respond with full sentenced to a 30+ yr old who texts me “HUD”!

So this whole post is to highlight and high 5 myself for doing what I wanted to do for once in my life…. Hopefully for the rest of my life….

Ghost up from the dead : Hi WUD

Old me would have said : Hey I’m doing abc how have you been? It’s been awhile.

New me:…..

person doing thumbs up

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I did IT!

broken heart love sad

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I finally pulled the bandaid off and deleted tinder. Ok, the comparison to a bandaid is not really accurate…. I feel like I just finished my last squat of a killer workout. I feel like I did a good this because being on tinder was like going to the gym… not because you want to go but you need to, type of thing…. it was horror, even the gym comparison it not quite it.

I got tired of EVERYTHING.

Looking back, I lot more than I gained.

I gained dick pic collection,
I gained strength ( to restrain my tongue)
I gained experience ( of how to deal with psychos)

I lost a loooooooot though!
I lost time ( I could have learned a new language online)
I lost money ( my fault for suggesting we split the bill)
I lost a little dignity ( slept with some none-deserving strangers)
I lost confidence ( I think I’ll be alone forever)

I know I’ve deleted tinder before until loneliness struck and the thought of buying cats made me cringe but now I actually feel good about it.

I don’t know if love is written in the stars for me but this time around, I’m ok if it isn’t.

*pops champagne?*

I’m kidding I’m at work pretending to type a report!

 

 

I’m going to date myself

I grew up in a close knit family but being close didn’t mean they were/are nice.

For the longest time I wanted to date as an escape from my family. I think I’m going to make up an imaginary boyfriend that I  can ‘run away’ with … except everything ‘he’ initials or does for me will be from me to me as a sign of love. I’m going to buy myself flowers, I’m going to take myself out, I’m going to try different places and food… all by my damn self.

“Why lie to your fam?” I hear you ask… because they have no boundaries, my sister will involve herself in my plans regardless of whether I care or not… She finds the negative in everyone and waits for the “I told you so” part at every chance. That’s her way of “being there” for me but it is very toxic. She is self entitled and can be heartless… This is a lot for my shakey mental health.

“Why don’t you move from that environment?”  I smell that question… because I feel bad for neglecting them, at least to me it will feel like neglect, abandonment. I just need a break from everyone without having to explain.

We share great laughs from time to time but I have nowhere to run to, I have no happy place, I have no place to be vulnerable, at peace and just naked…. So, I’ll just book myself into a nice hotel with clean sheets and have a break. A break with ‘my man’

reflection of woman s eye on broken mirror

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oops I’m doing it again.

I’m giving someone the benefit of doubt… and I hate it.

woman wearing skeleton costume

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So I met a cute guy, his self esteem is a little low but he’s cute and doesn’t know it – WINNING!!  Ok we matched on tinder a few weeks ago and he seemed ‘slow’ but I went with the flow….. hardly any movement but whatever…
Eventually I gave him my numbers after I made it seem like it was his brilliant idea.. it wasn’t, I told him we should chat on whatsapp

After another 2 weeks or so, we finally agreed to meet up, well I straight out said I didn’t want to chat until Jesus comes so we meeting or nah???… 

At this point I have zero excitement and if eyerolls counted as exercise, I would be sexy AF. We would be meeting after work and he kept insisting that it’s not a date and it’s just a coffee so obviously that means he’s on a budget and I’m not getting a meal….in my head anyway. So, the day of the date he’s quiet. I packed my gym bag in the morning incase this sloth flaked on me. I greet him and he responds 30 minutes later… that’s his annoying norm by the way. I tell him I’m knocking off at 4 and he says 5, we work 4km away from each other by the way… I tell him I won’t wait an hour and that I’m going to gym and we should make our ‘meeting’ at 6 and he agrees. He also adds that it will work for him because they are having a lunch thing with their CEO, whatever, all that I hear is that he will eat and basically reminding me it’s just coffee… psshh

The date, no oops, the meeting/coffee meet and greet. He texts me he has arrived and I say I’m 2 minutes away… I park, put on lipstick, grab my wallet because I’m hungry and WILL feed myself but if chivalry is dead, it’s the last he’ll hear from me…
I fake a fast pace and head inside all while telling myself that if he is a catfish, Im walking out and I’m not going to endure a horrible date…. I call him, first time I hear his voice and I don’t like his accent, not a deal breaker but meh… weird he has never called me. I digress… he picks up and say he’s walking behind me…. why isn’t he in? Did he think I wouldn’t pitch? again I digress, sorry. I turn around and he’s looking in the fucking sky avoiding eye contact, this is going to be a very short date…. I have no more rope left with tinder matches. ZERO. I say hi and he says hi while looking at the waiter who’s asking us where we want to sit. I head upstairs and they both follow. We grab seats and change our minds, then we move again and he grabs my handbag for me…. I don’t like that… is this him being nice?  He pulls the chair for me and I dont notice so I pull my own and sit… lol I’m sorry, the bar is set on 0, actually the bar is pulled out and left in the garage. 

The waiter brings menus and asks if we’ll be eating and we both respond at the same time. I say yes, he says no. hahahahaha! I further explain that I’ll be eating as it’s dinner time and I’m hungry and I order a glass of wine, he says he will order his juice when I order my food… is he stingy? does he qualify for being in these dating streets? so many concerns… I can hold my own but I don’t want a man who will not feed me! give me wine, food and D, I’m simple.

The banter is lovely and  I learn that he’s very reserved. He looks me in the eyes… he smiles and asks questions and he answers. He’s a new breed and I have zero experience with the quiet shy type. It’s going to be a challenge.
I eat and have another glass of wine while he slowly sips his orange juice…I go to the ladies and bump into a highschool ‘friend’ and she blatantly asks ” is that your husband?” bitch mind your own fucking business because I can see you are here with a different guy from the one you posted on FB yesterday with the caption “love lives here #mylove”. I just say “he’s one of them” and walk away….. People are so nosy!

The bill comes and I’m ready to pay and he stops me…. VERY GOOD BOY!

he walks me to my car, gives me a hug and leaves…. I was totally going to kiss him but oh well… I told you I don’t have experience with decent guys.

Turns out he’s really watching his weight, he used to be fat so he doesn’t eat after 6, doesn’t drink alcohol and was a little hurt why I ignored his chair pull out. We exchange pleasantries because I had a good time and so did he, was there an explosion of chemistry, no but we’ll see, SEEEEE?? I’m doing it again, trying to make him ‘fit’ my mcdreamy man. 

He immediately wants us to hang out again and do a proper date… but it’s been a week since our meeting. yesterday I had a dentist app and remember we work in close proximity so I really don’t understand why we can’t even do lunch dates but anyway, he hasn’t brought up the date thing again. on my way to the app, I asked him if he would like a 5 min visit and he agreed. I went there empty handed because his diet sounds complex. he hops into the car, I take off my seat belt and he doesn’t gesture for a hug so please forget a kiss.

5 minutes later I literally have to go. I found myself asking HIM when we would hang out again and I don’t remember the response, It’s over before it began right? I was ready to write his name on the fridge magnet of potentials my sis and I have… was ready to weigh out the pros ….

I’m ready to stop this post here because I have more complaints about him. So no, it’s clear that this match is not a match.

I don’t just like men…

reflection of woman s eye on broken mirror

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…. I mean I do like men, a lot, but I do take other stuff more seriously.

Things like my physical health, my mental health, my emotional health, my job, my dad, my siblings, my nephews and nieces…. and God. I know I talk a lot of bull but despite all my drama, I centre myself through prayer…

My mom passed away on the 12th of May this year, and that made me consciously stop praying. I stopped believing there is a God. My life completely went to the left but I saw how God was there for me despite my protest. I stopped going to church, I stopped fasting, I just stopped!

Looking back at the last 4/5 months, I do not know where I got the strength to take a bath every morning, to brush my teeth, to drive to work, hell, to even swipe on tinder but I know God never left me. To get back to the good relationship of even hearing God, I decided to do a 21 day fast. I have 2 days left but I’m already at a better place. People I pray for are going well. I am at peace. Although it will take me some more time to get back to the ‘Christian-y’ place I was before the absolute worst thing that could happen, happened, I know I’m not where I was right after that tragedy…

Nothing phases me still, no amount of catfishing, ghosting, insult, rude comments and general assholery can compare to the loss I suffer and that has made me a no-nonsense person I always wanted to be. I don’t apologise for my hair being grey at my infant age of 31, I don’t apologise for the cellulite on my ass, I don’t apologise for not getting my eyebrow perfect, I don’t apologise for no giving people a second chance to disappoint me. I don’t apologize for not holding in my stomach.

I do me.

What I do want to apologise for is this post. Its wishy washy, it’s everywhere, it’s a bit of a rant, it’s a littling preachy…..but I wanted to just document this phase in my life so actually sorry, I’m not really sorry….

God is good, all the time.