Reason to live…

I think I’ve found it, not all of it but just enough for now. A friend of mine has a child and she calls it the biggest mistake of her life, I was having a conversation with her, telling her that I envy her because she has a child and so she has a reason to keep living and trying and pushing this thing called life, she said NO, said she regrets it and that life is even worse when a tiny being is looking at you for its survival and you basically have double the job and have to find double the will to live… I get her angle but I don’t agree. I want to have children but I want to be at a reasonably ‘happy’ place so that I can be the best version of myself and consequently, the best mom. I know postpartum depression is not optional and happens to even the most ‘motherly’ people we know, but going into pregnancy/motherhood in the midst of depression is a one way ticket to suicide!

So in that dark conversation with my depressed and suicidal friend, I found a bit of light, a tiny spark, the will to live, for my babies, my future babies! I want them to find me in a healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spiritual state. So that’s it, I’ve decided I’m doing it for my babies. I don’t have much time because I’m 36 this year!! SHUUUUU That’s a fucking big number! Worse when it’s typed out! At least I don’t have to first find Mr Right, he exists and would very much love to have mini versions of him running around. I don’t even want to talk about how his mother is embarrassing him by ALWAYS asking when she’s getting grand babies, lol, my sister too, my friends too… basically everyone, except mean sis of course…. See, even if I feel under the whether, I’ll have support.

Is it weird that I already have names? Ditiro, Eleanor, Anaya and Amora – the twins …. One boy and 3 girls

Find that reason to live, you are alive for a reason. Also, everyone gets a happy ending, if it is not happy, then it is not the end.

The happy end.

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I’m Mr Flowers

I just came to say that the 1 kg that I had lost last week has been found and it’s back home safely. I was so defeated that I drove straight to Mcdonalds and had a burger and chips and that awful machine soda, for breakfast. It was delicious but I’m disgusted with myself.

Really really need to find that motivation guys, I’m out of control and out of time and out of just about everything positive, even the will to do it, let alone to live, is gone gone gone!

Oh there it is, the great depression, fuuuuuck! Give me a damn break you cowardly dark cloud!

I watched a movie called “The Strays” on Netflix. It’s twisted and crazy but damn I can relate. This woman just ups and leaves her old life and just starts a whole new one. Man, I wish I could do that, just walk away, start over, then when that catches up with me, repeat! Also another great watch on Netflix is ‘Flowers’… I’m Mr Flowers. Shit, I just realised that nothing will ever be fine because I’m the common denominator in all my problems, I need to fix me ASAP!!

I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to fix me.

The end

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Another kilo bites the dust

The weight is falling off… I think, I hope.

It’s been a week of actively ( except not physically) trying to lose weight. Ok, not even a week, it’s been 3 days, lol. It feels like a month.

I’m here to report that I’ve lost 1kg, which is the plan, 1kg at a time, a week. 1 down, 14 to go!

If you’ve read any of my weight loss posts, you’ll know I’ve gone to the deepest oceans and highest mountains to get a quick fix. I’ve lost A LOOOOT of money, little progress to show for it, and you know what works? The annoying old basic rules that we all know and HATE: Eat in moderation and exercise regularly! AGGG! But!!! I’ve gone back to basics! Slow and steady does it!

I’ll be back to report with progress!

The end

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It’s that time again – Jingle bells jingle bells!🔔

Don’t worry, I haven’t completely lost my mind, I know it’s not Christmas. Although I’m fat like the man himself, father Christmas! The jingle bells are ringing for me, to wake up! It’s that time again, time for weight loss. It was that time in Jan, couldn’t didn’t do it, then it was Feb, still couldn’t didn’t do it. And now? Now I don’t have a choice..
Now that I’ve got my head back on my shoulders, I think it’s time I got back to the cult! Weight loss cult! Two more reps, two more reps... LOL that’s supposed to be read in slow motion, in a trancelike fashion, as a mantra or a chant from my fellow weight loss addicts. You know how, in the movies, AA members always introduce themselves with the line “Hi everyone, my name is Larney and I’m an alcoholic“, then the choir respond “Welcome Larney”…. that’s sort off the effect I was looking for… Lets try again

Me: Hi everyone, my name is Larney and I’m a weight loss addict
You: Two more reps, two more reps

Gosh, that sounded way better in my head… something got lost in translation… I hope you see where I was going with it because I’m now confused and struck in blabber and rambling… Sorry

LOL! That only works if you are part of the cult and actually welcoming me… back… again… into the cult.

Where was I?… Ah, yes, my head is on my shoulders (loosely, but at least it’s back on) and my weight too, is on my shoulders, and chin, and hips and boobs and everywhere else… need to drop at least 10 kg! Nothing looks cute anymore. Everything is tight, self confidence is lower than low, it’s underground, I need to fix my life!

Aiming for 1kg a week… I need luck, prayers, motivation, discipline, therapy, and even magic at this point… I’m so annoyed with myself.

Here we go again!

The more things change, the more they stay the same hey?… see my excitement?

The end, more so the beginning…

Wait, I’m planning on being pregnant next year and so I need to get underweight so that the pregnancy doesn’t end up putting me as a possible candidate for “Biggest loser”or a patient of Dr Now on “My 600 pound life”…

The real end

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Long time huh?

Hey y’all!!! Long time no write huh? I’m sorry I’ve been MIA! I’ve been battling the biggest bout of depression. I’m feeling better now, well today, things can change in an hour! I thought alot about what you, my cyber friends, have suggested about my wellbeing. Thanks for the well wishes, gosh I too wish I could make it magically vanish. What I realised is that my decision to not blog, because I wasn’t in the ‘right’ mindset, actually made me feel worse! What’s the right blogging mindset? Whatever state you are in!!! So I’ll try to blog as much as I can because it helps me, a lot!

Things have been the same. Still living with mean sis, she’s still mean. I’m still working for this horrendous company, still hate it. My part time lecturing job has been halted and that extra money (which didn’t feel extra) is now gone and I feel like I’ll drown in poverty any second! I’m trying to pray and meditate more, feels like God is actively ignoring me though. It’s like, that harder i try, the harder it gets. I didn’t get the amazing job I thought was meant for me, LOL! Untitled, my sweet man, is still my happy place, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary in Jan! I love him. My sex drive had taken a dive, probably because I’m back to being fat, actually I’m at my fattest, fattest ever! The scale has hit a new record high! I’m starting to run and diet and starve and fast and pop pills and all the desperate shit I do… See? Same shit, no actually worse shit, different year!

Sooooo, sorry for the negatively, I’m also very tired of it and so have to dump it somewhere!

I’m back my friends, the break did me no good!

Here’s to being kinder to myself 🥂, wait, usually I give into my cravings hence I’m this size, fuck! Need to find new, healthy, cheap ways to cope! Help me think please… I do enjoy pampering myself… hot long baths with amazing bath pearls… rejuvenating face masks…

The end

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I can’t do this anymore

My Gosh! I Can’t seem to find myself, Larney is lost! I usually have these random episodes of depression but I have been on the longest one yet. Even when I’m having the time of my life, laughing and just feeling better, the depression attacks me! When I have a plate of gorgeous food in front of me and about to take a bite, PUNCH!! When I’m watching something funny with Untitled and mid laugh, mid the tears, one salty depressed tear slips out! WHY? I’ve even lost my lipido!

I think it’s time for therapy, except I can’t afford it and the free one from work records that I used the service! I don’t want pity from people I work with, I already hate it here so I don’t need another reason!

I don’t know how to live with this, I don’t want to, I won’t…

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I’m still HIGH!

Hey guys, I got over my rants and threats and I’m back. Sorry for the melodrama, it was PMS!

I had an edible last afternoon and 18 hours later I’m still HIGH! Guys, I couldn’t sleep, the whole night felt like I travelled back in time to my childhood. I could literally see my childhood friends and remember the songs we sang as we played, word for word. I had to get up and scribble this down because these were thoughts from almost 30 years ago that I had NEVER revisited.

I think I sang about 30 songs guys!

I can confirm that I do not have any childhood trauma because my mind going back to that time, was actually a happy time.

My gosh, even though I’m off booze, Monday was so hard!

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New year, same bitch, Hello and goodbye?

Actually, I’m not the same, I’m worse! I really need to find the new me because guys, its bad.

I’m baaaaack! I’m so fat, when I look at myself in the mirror I feel like Untitled is settling with me. I had the best birthday, the best Christmas, the best New Year’s cross over. I have been living my best life! Sooo much that I’ve gained 10kg in ‘happy weight”! I’m NOT happy about that!

I haven’t received feedback from my dream job, is it rude to email them on some “What the fuck?” but professionally obviously? I also feel like if it is yours, you’ll be told but also they are busy with a global year beginning thing in Egypt, so they might be crazy busy. See why it’s my dream job?

I had my second round of interview the day before my birthday and I was away (birthday tour from and with my man!!!!), but I made sure I had great internet connection, kept away from the booze until then! I felt like it went great. WHY haven’t they called me??????? God, please don’t do this to me, it’s been 5 YEARS OF NON STOP JOB SEARCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They edited the post on their website, location changed .. Is it the end for me? I’m so confused.

We continue to strive for better I guess…

Really thought I’d be opening the year with great news, I’m so shattered! If I don’t get this job, then it is goodbye you guys. This will be the last you hear from me. I’m so sick and tired.

I’m off to a corner to lick my wounds or maybe slice my wrists and just have a pity party! Honestly, poor me

Bye guys,

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The email that changed my life

Whenever I applied for a job, I obviously prayed and hoped I’d get it. Throughout the interview phases, your hope and desperation start to grow and you start making resignation letter drafts. You start saying your subtle goodbyes and slowly pack your office.

Then your gut gives you feedback. It’s the worst when it says “Declined/ unfortunately at this time…” because you still have a tiny spark of hope that a miracle will happen. Sometimes your gut says”Congratulations/ we are pleased to inform you…” and then you are scared to count your chicken before they hatch.

Gosh, job hunting is the worst. When I get this job, I will not even update my CV as I’m not going to go anywhere after this! It honestly is my dream job… wait, is this desperation that I smell? probably… I read a post or tweet when someone said ‘desperation is bad energy, desperation repels, it doesn’t attract.’ She said something about how one should not manifest from a place of desperation and I panicked a bit, almost blaming myself from repelling my dreams because I was desperate. Then I got to my senses and you know what? I call BULLSHIT on that.

What about those desperate couples trying to conceive after multiple miscarriages? And yet still are able to have healthy babies?
What about those desperate people in hospital beds fight for their lives? Fighting the odds and making it?
What about those desperate people online dating and meeting idiot after idiot but finally find and marry love of their lives?

Desperation is hope multified, it’s hope squared, it’s hope intensified.

I had consulted with a medium and I had asked her about my career development… she said she saw interviews happening between 15th of Oct to 15 Dec, so with 2 interview rounds done on my dream job and it being the 15th of Dec without response yet, you can imagine the desperation. Yes people are shutting down for the holidays but come on, just an email to put me out of this anticipation, out of my desperation mode! Make my birthday, make my Christmas, make my year, change my life.

Please send that email, that will change my life.

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I just wanna breath out. I’ve been holding my breath

That’s all folks

In my mind

5 years from now, I am pushing my 2 toddlers in a jeep wagon. Have you see those wagons that are definitely going to replace the normal pram? At least in my future. Those wagons can be 2 or 4 seater, they attach car seat if the baby is tiny tiny, they have multiple slots for bottles and toys and diapers and wipes and sippy cups and everything else! Man they are diverse! Can you tell that I’m obsessed with them? Anyway, I’ll be pushing my 2 toddlers in the wagon to get them ice cream while pregnant with my third.

I will be planning the next trip abroad from my job and looking forward to finding rare finds for my baby. Like those milk bottles with pipes! My husband will be shopping for another ring as per our ‘new ring every 5 years’ agreement.

In my mind, this perfect life is on the brink of happening and I’m so excited.

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My gosh? who’s this Larney? Mama Larn!

Guys I’m not pregnant yet hey, and I’m still waiting for the interview results!

That’s all folks!